2.24.2005

The survivors

Joel Achenbach is "still thinking about Hunter" today. So am I. I did a little self-check after I read the news on Monday, and decided that I wasn't upset about him killing himself. I was sad that Thomson had died, in the same way I would be if it had been a heart attack (it might have been different if he were young).

I guess my attitude about suicide crystalized in 1994 when Kurt Cobain died. My brother (who was maybe 14) was stomping mad at Cobain and cleansed the house of Nirvana CDs. 11 years later he's still upset (or at least he would be if anyone was silly enough to bring it up). I didn't react that way.

I never reacted that way - I remember a girl in my hometown who was 15 and on her second suicide attempt when I was 12 (she didn't succeed, and I think she is still alive now and as ok as anyone). I remember people being angry about it the next day, and I thought, "Why?" Why are you angry at someone who is miserable, whose parents have turned their back on her, who (whether for its comfort or for your attention) has turned toward death? How can your hearts be closing more tightly than ever?

I have been right up onto the borders of suicide. I have found myself in that twilight country two or three times, when I have been so withdrawn that I could not hold up one end of a conversation, I could only apologize for the state of myself. So despairing of my ability to function socially that I felt the need to apologize and leave early. So sure that I could not contribute (do work) that I wanted to get out of the way.

Those weren't balanced moment for decision making; blessedly those moments are also times of low energy. I can't imagine living with guns and ammo in the house, it's way too easy - there have been times when I have emptied my house of sharp things as my mood slid downhill.

Comments:
Well, this is interesting. I did a blog search for caffeine addiction and found your site. When I get some time I'll come back and find out where caffeine addiction appears and how it relates - if it even does. Take care - nice work.
 
Interesting blog. You make some good points. You might be interested in japanese tea. There's a vague connection to what's been discussed here.
 
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